Married couples need support from
family, friends and faith community

By Mary Ann Wyand

Nearly half of the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, Andrew and Terri Lyke of Chicago told Indiana Black Expo participants during a July 16 presentation at the Indiana Convention Center in Indianapolis, and divorce statistics from the 2000 U.S. Census indicate an even higher divorce rate for African-American couples.

The Lykes, who are nationally known for their marriage ministry to African-American Catholics, said there is hope for couples in the early years of their marriage if they pray together and family members, friends and parishioners offer support and hold them accountable to the promises they made to each other on their wedding day.

“Where there is intervention or encouragement, some kind of intentional support provided in the early years, the chances of the marriage lasting longer go way up,” Andrew Lyke said. “The early years are the most critical.”

During a marriage enrichment program titled “Beyond Bliss: The Real Deal on Black Marriages,” the Lykes discussed the importance of building strong interpersonal skills and focusing on the public dimension of marriage.

“Marriage is public,” he said, “and the more we honor that public side, the more we place ourselves accountable to the public, to our community, to the village, if you will, the stronger we are as a couple.”

Terri Lyke said “data on marriage in the black community in particular is not very promising” based on statistics reported in the 2000 Census.

“Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than whites, Hispanics, American Indians and Alaskan natives,” she said. “Black individuals also are more likely than whites and Hispanics to be divorced. Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups. … Single female head of families are more likely in black homes.”

“The black community is in crisis mode,” Andrew Lyke said. “It’s clear that the institution of marriage has failed in the black community.”

Studies indicate that families are stronger, he said, and children fare much better in the matrimonial setting.

“Our kids need our attention,” she said. “Marriage is the foundation for the community. But we don’t prepare ourselves well for marriage. Choosing the right mate is the key.”

Marriage is like a public office, he said. “Our culture tells us we should marry for happiness. But if you marry for happiness, what does it mean when you’re not happy? If you marry for love, family and faith, then happiness becomes a transient point.”

The Lykes recommend that couples focus on a formula they call “ PEPP ” to achieve success in their marriage.

The first “P” is primacy, which means that the couple puts each other first before children, jobs and other responsibilities.

“The greatest gift we will ever give our children is our marriage,” he said. “It’s through that effort that they are exposed to a real relationship. They know that marriage isn’t perfect, … marriage isn’t bliss because they have experienced it. But they know that marriage is permanent, … marriage is committed, …marriage takes skills, … marriage takes ongoing reconciliation.”

“E” stands for “empowerment” and “enrichment” as a couple.

“Oftentimes, we don’t seek out the skills that we need to sustain ourselves,” she said. “We just hope and pray that things will go better or we will make do. So when you have good listening and communication skills, you can build on those things.”

The second “P” stands for “protection,” Terri Lyke said, which means “having an environment and a community that encourages marriage and helps hold the couple together.”

The third “P” stands for “prayer,” she said, which means keeping God at the center of the marriage.

St. Monica parishioner Carrie Kemp of Indianapolis, who has been married for 47 years, said she appreciated the Lykes’ advice about faith and commitment.

“The most difficult year of your marriage,” Kemp said, “is the one you’re in right now.” †